I spent a few minutes trying to sort through the madness of my life. I spent about ten minutes warming up, and this is what I came to.
My life is, and always has been, about faith. But I have yet to find the words to accurately convey what it means to me, yet I can provide examples.
If I may elaborate, please?
Faith is falling out of the running for a job—and then interviewing for it that following week.
Faith is living homelessly for more than five years and living to tell about it.
Faith is maintaining your residence and way of life despite a lack of income.
Faith is victory after exhaustion.
This is the most trying time of my life, and I’m not talking about the lesson plan I keep twittering on about. I’m still amazed that my children’s family (on their mother’s side) were the ones who alerted me about my children. Once my staunchest adversaries and now they’re the ones who’re instrumental in me being able to maintain contact with my kids? That is faith.
Still, the questions mount, and these are questions beyond whether or not I can do it; if it was that simple, there’d be no question.
There’s the thorny legal process. My ex-wife abandoned our children, leaving them with her family so she could be with her drug-addicted boyfriend. I don’t have much better on my side; I still left them. But…I’ve gotten myself together, somewhat. I mean, I live alone, I’m self-sufficient, I have a trickling revenue stream even though I’m out of work, and my oldest son seems excited about seeing me again. Will my ability to support them count for anything in a system notorious for awarding custody to the mother regardless of the father’s status?
I’m not just saying that. I’ve seen it firsthand.
What if I have to remain in California in order to keep my kids? This is the only way I’d have to concede the issue. I can’t afford to live in California, much less support two children.
I don’t want to live in California, either. It took me more than a decade to say that (and I would do it for my kids if left with no choice, and I had the means), but there’s nothing for me there. I grew up in San Francisco, and that feels great to say, but Missouri is home, and God willing, I’ll spend the bulk of my years in St. Louis.
Moments like this, when doubt creeps into my mind, I get that feeling at the pit of my stomach, and the comforting thought that I’ve had since I was a child; it’ll all be okay.
Funny thing; it always is.
And so I fight on, working towards the inevitable exhaustion, for the first time unsure as to whether or not I can achieve my goal. I know that I have a gift for pulling things together, and I do not quit.
Faith, like always, is what will turn raw willpower into reality.
So at last I find the words. What is faith?
Faith is the knowledge of knowing that things will work out without knowing exactly how.
Faith is the will to fight on.
The source of my faith is, and always will be, God and His Son, but what you use is entirely up to you.
(c) Avery K. Tingle for Akting Out LLC
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