i can relate to the following passage:

“No one ever hit me as hard as he did. No one ever hurt me as much as he did. No one ever pushed me to the brink like he did. The real world? Other people? Please. The real fight took place at home. Home was where I was forged.”

when i was growing up, a look or harsh words from dad almost immediately brought tears to my eyes. in fact, i vividly remember the last time he made me cry: i was 17 and had gone home to visit just before my high school graduation. dad sucker punched me in the stomach right before i left. it knocked the wind out of me. i cried for the last time as i got in a taxi on the way to the greyhound bus station.

in the 19 years since that day, i can count on one hand how many times i’ve cried. i was so disgusted with myself for crying that day long ago that i promised he or anyone else would never make me cry again. unfortunately, i’ve kept that promise and it’s left me a near emotional void.

i’m glad you were able to find the good things about your father. i know mine meant well just as yours did. for a long time i was driven to succeed by his voice assuring me that i would fail or didn’t have the discipline to sustain anything. i accomplished a lot in the face of adversity during my teens and 20’s.

but lately, something in me has been extinguished. i no longer have the drive or determination to succeed. i’m just getting by…the depression and feelings of low self worth have taken over me. as it turns out, dad’s life is pretty much the same now too. he’s diabetic and alone, just as he wanted it. he’ll retire soon but lives in the same mobile home he & mom brought after he was kicked out of the army in 1986. i don’t know if he has ambition for anything else either. i think he’s just…tired. we both use alcohol & marijuana to treat our mental illness & social disorders. i wonder if he tried to prevent me from becoming the man he knew he was…