Comments on: The Tenderloin http://www.averyktingle.com/2009/07/20/thetenderloin/ The Rants and Raves of Author Avery K. Tingle Fri, 28 Oct 2011 03:19:38 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: admin http://www.averyktingle.com/2009/07/20/thetenderloin/comment-page-1/#comment-144 admin Tue, 21 Jul 2009 04:57:32 +0000 http://www.averyktingle.com/?p=470#comment-144 Wow...thank you very much for the in-depth analysis. I admit that when I was remembering the crack moms and homeless men, I could've thought of something better. I'm working on making my descriptions a bit more vivid in the future without being repetitive, which is part of why I write short stories; I can only improve, right? As for the pimp...well, that was the best analogy I could come up with :) that's really what he looked like. I'll never forget him. But thank you again for critiquing my work. Wow…thank you very much for the in-depth analysis. I admit that when I was remembering the crack moms and homeless men, I could’ve thought of something better. I’m working on making my descriptions a bit more vivid in the future without being repetitive, which is part of why I write short stories; I can only improve, right?

As for the pimp…well, that was the best analogy I could come up with :) that’s really what he looked like. I’ll never forget him. But thank you again for critiquing my work.

]]> By: Ramar http://www.averyktingle.com/2009/07/20/thetenderloin/comment-page-1/#comment-143 Ramar Tue, 21 Jul 2009 04:53:56 +0000 http://www.averyktingle.com/?p=470#comment-143 You have the workings of a fine draft. The image of "The Tenderloin", geographically, for the place, and figuratively for the girl, works well, and is poetic in its repetition. The inner dialogue of the murder paragraph is honest and realistic and has some some natural measured beat driving it. As naturalistic as it is, some of the description is cliche in these modern times. A few examples are "the crack addicted single mothers" and the "toothless homeless men." As writers, we have to twist these characters into something more unique or purposeful to the story. In the fifth paragraph, I think you mean "all I want to do is sleep." I would suggest substituting the pimp from the black exploitation movie into less of a cliched character, a handsome white yuppie, maybe. For the most part, I enjoyed the sincerity, the lyrical repetition, and the realism of the story, but revise and edit, and then revise and edit. There is more gold to be gleaned here.- Ramar You have the workings of a fine draft. The image of “The Tenderloin”, geographically, for the place, and figuratively for the girl, works well, and is poetic in its repetition. The inner dialogue of the murder paragraph is honest and realistic and has some some natural measured beat driving it.

As naturalistic as it is, some of the description is cliche in these modern times. A few examples are “the crack addicted single mothers” and the “toothless homeless men.” As writers, we have to twist these characters into something more unique or purposeful to the story.
In the fifth paragraph, I think you mean “all I want to do is sleep.” I would suggest substituting the pimp from the black exploitation movie into less of a cliched character, a handsome white yuppie, maybe.

For the most part, I enjoyed the sincerity, the lyrical repetition, and the realism of the story, but revise and edit, and then revise and edit. There is more gold to be gleaned here.- Ramar

]]> By: admin http://www.averyktingle.com/2009/07/20/thetenderloin/comment-page-1/#comment-142 admin Tue, 21 Jul 2009 04:51:44 +0000 http://www.averyktingle.com/?p=470#comment-142 It was. I don't often talk about this kind of thing in person. It was good to get it out. It was. I don’t often talk about this kind of thing in person. It was good to get it out.

]]> By: Alan http://www.averyktingle.com/2009/07/20/thetenderloin/comment-page-1/#comment-141 Alan Tue, 21 Jul 2009 04:39:07 +0000 http://www.averyktingle.com/?p=470#comment-141 Thought so - sounded like it. Cathartic to write it down though, I imagine. Thought so – sounded like it. Cathartic to write it down though, I imagine.

]]> By: admin http://www.averyktingle.com/2009/07/20/thetenderloin/comment-page-1/#comment-140 admin Tue, 21 Jul 2009 03:03:20 +0000 http://www.averyktingle.com/?p=470#comment-140 Unfortunately, yes. I was about twenty years old. Unfortunately, yes. I was about twenty years old.

]]> By: Alan http://www.averyktingle.com/2009/07/20/thetenderloin/comment-page-1/#comment-139 Alan Tue, 21 Jul 2009 02:44:35 +0000 http://www.averyktingle.com/?p=470#comment-139 Man, that's powerful stuff. Is that a true story? Man, that’s powerful stuff. Is that a true story?

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