Akting Out

You know why I’m so often doing the dishes? Because I’m grateful to have dishes to do.
It wasn’t that long ago, you know; four years, forced to bed at ten thirty and forced up at six. Eating what you were told for breakfast and them left to fend for yourself for the day. The streets of North side Saginaw were not kind.

Now, I work from two computers in my apartment. I can go to bed and get up when I want. If I’m hungry, I can eat whatever I want. I can get myself to and from wherever I need to be (and I’m blessed with good friends). I can watch (or record) whatever I want on TV, and I can play just about anything I want, when I want. One year into a writing career, I have a flipping book coming out.

Sure, things could get better, they always can, but they can get a lot worse, too, and it drives me crazy when people forget that. So many people transition from their parents home to college or an apartment without ever fathoming the possibility of something really bad happening along the way. Truthfully, I’m a bit jealous of everyone I know who had a good upbringing, and I’m very resentful of it at times. When people tell me how they disagree with their parents, I always tell them; at least you can go home.

I often feel that it’s my past that isolates me from everyone else. Who could possibly relate to all of it? Only a few I’ve shared it with have remained my friends. Others have shunned me, or worse, tried to “save” me. I don’t need saving; it took me a very long time to get here, and I don’t need anyone to tell me that I’m damned because of how I look at the world.

Then again…
If I’m frustrated, I resort to anger. Confused? Resort to anger. Scared? Resort to anger. At work, low on the boards, I look for reasons to get angry. I focus better when I’m angry; it’s almost a symbiotic relationship I have with rage. If I use it when I need to, then it doesn’t overwhelm me. I’ve lived this way for a very long time, but again I find myself asking; when does the beast consume you? Maybe there is a better way. I want to find it, but I’m afraid of releasing something that I’ve held onto for so long. But maybe there’s something better waiting for me.

I know I didn’t post my type 2 blog this week; I’m sorry. Things have been hectic. I’ve given up running; many people have warned me of the dangers of running on concrete, and my knees can’t take the pounding anymore. I walk to and from work, which is about a mile each way. The idea is to keep your heart rate up, which doesn’t have to be accomplished through running. I also went on a bit of a binge last week, which resulted my sugar going up to about one ninety (dangerously high, I know). I still do aerobics and martial arts in the morning; it’s come back down.

My first Machinima film is still about a year off, realistically. All of my research points to knowing your engine really well (and I have the Sims, currently). Not only do I not know the engine, I’ve never even played the Sims before. I figure the extra time will allow me to plan exactly what I want to do (I’ve chosen a song and plot), so I’m not rushing.

Speaking of planning, I will never again do another story like Uprising, and I can’t wait to do the movie. Uprising was planned week to week, and now with less than ten chapters to go before the epic conclusion, I find myself having to clean up something I did weeks ago. The story’s popularity has plummeted because of my mistakes, and ‘Joshua’ which I did plan out, both story and execution, has been very warmly received. I love the learning process, but the bumps can be unforgiving.

So…I guess that’s it. My life, or what I care to share of it, in under a thousand words. Hope you enjoyed the read, see you next week.

(c) Avery K. Tingle for Akting Out LLC

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