Akting Out

So, here it is.
I’ve done a lot of bad things in my life. I’ve hurt people, both physically and mentally. I’ve hurt people who did nothing but try to care about me. I have a lot of regrets. Don’t we all?

Lately, I find myself thinking about it less. I’ve begun to ask myself if it’s really okay to let it all go.
I wonder this because every time—without fail—I’ve allowed myself to believe that everything was okay, everything came crashing down, and I found myself back to square one. Years ago (more than a decade, now) I remember saying that I actually missed Ramen noodles. God’s punishment was to put me and my family back on Ramen noodles for nearly three months, because I lost my job. Since then, I’ve reminded myself; never forget where you came from, or what you went through to get to where you are.

Okay, fine, I won’t forget. But do I still have to hold onto it every day?
I don’t ever want to go back to the streets. Not ever.  Sure, I know how to survive down there, but to always be on guard, watching your back…it gets wearing and I’m too old for that nonsense. I like to think I’ve taken enough steps to distance myself from that life. I haven’t been homeless in nearly four years now.

Also, I think I’ve done enough to make up for what I’ve done to either people. I’m not perfect, no one is. I may not be the nicest guy in the world, but I can honestly say that I did the best I could with what I had. I didn’t always make the right choice, but I learned from my mistakes.

I also admit; part of the reason why I hang onto this stuff so tightly is because I have the most kick-ass memories in the world. I look back on some of the stuff I did and wonder just what the hell I was thinking—and that I can’t believe I survived it!

But I can’t hold onto it anymore. I need to let it go, and just be a memory. My life is much different now, so far removed from who and what I used to be that I’m a completely different person now (sort of. The mentality is still there).

I may release the old adventures as flash stories or something, but this is it. No more ranting about the past. This is who I am now.

And I have news for you.
I’m not a nerd. I’m not a jock. I’m not a geek. I’m not trying to be cool, and I’m not mainstream. I’m not really anything but me, take me or leave me. I love my friends, and I will never be afraid to say what’s on my mind (but I’m getting better at saying it).

We all have to grow up sometime, right? This is my time.

Thanks for reading. God bless and be safe.

(c) Avery K. Tingle for Akting Out LLC

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