Faithless
I mentioned in the new home page that this blog reflects my journey to know myself. It was a preface for this entry.
Do you know how much you can glean from someone simply by shutting up and paying attention? If I’m good at my job (and I seem to be) then it’s not because I talk, because I don’t think I talk that well. It’s because I know how to listen.
So many people eagerly run off at mouth, wasting time and space by saying nothing. They may be spewing words, but it’s nothing intelligent. You’ve met them; the type of people who take small talk to the next level, the ones who have to dominate every conversation they’re in, who have to be the center of attention in anything they do. I’ve found that people who do this habitually either have a need for attention, or are trying to hide something. Not necessarily something malicious, just something they don’t want you to see. Shame, for example.
Of course, there are exceptions to every rule. But this is just my life experience.
A gift I inherited from my father is my ability to read people, mostly by looking into their eyes. Mouths lie; eyes don’t.
Through the years, the ability to read people has probably kept me alive. Stripping away the illusions of what I was dealing with (and what I was becoming) better prepared me to take it on when the time came. And while it undoubtedly saved my life, it destroyed my faith in the human race.
People are scum, for the most part; they may befriend you to your face and tear your down behind you, and that’s the least of it. In my time, I’ve come across a man who beat his own mother to death with a baseball bat simply because she wouldn’t give him drug money (true story), people who whore out their own children to pay debts or feed habits, other people who find pleasure in ruining children…the list goes on.
In the end, most people will do what they want, regardless of the consequences, and I think it’s repulsive. For the longest time, it’s why I wanted to be left alone.
It’s also why I prefer developing online relationships instead of real-life ones. People tend to reveal the best of themselves online, smoothing the transition to real-life if you ever take it that far. Also, I’ve met more like-minded people on the internet, especially since I went straight.
And, to be honest, I’m no different. I used to tell myself that I wasn’t a bad person because of who I was punishing. The fact is, I was a bigger monster than anyone I took on, and I didn’t want to face up to it. That life is long behind me now, and there’s no shame in admitting I was wrong.
My attitude used to be; the world can self-destruct for all I care, just leave me out of it. As long as my soul is assured, I don’t have anything to worry about, right?
Yeah, right.
My problem lately is that I have not seen malice when looking into people’s eyes. I have no idea how to deal with that. Mostly I seal up and push people away.
I look into the eyes of people now and I see beauty, I see passion, I see forgivable faults, I see innocence, I see love, I see genuineness, I see compassion…none of these things I’m used to. I find myself unable to maintain eye contact because I’m afraid these eyes will see right through me, and the monster I used to be.
Again, this may be why I’m good at my job; I’m great at short-term engagements with people I’ll never meet. We get on the phone, we shoot the breeze, we hang up, end of story. I’m not so good at the long-term thing. Ask anyone who’s been with me.
God did not intend for us to live in solitude, and on the other side, I have no idea how to reach out. I wonder now if everything I went through was meant to destroy my faith in humanity, only to see if I was strong enough to find it again.
I can’t run from who I used to be; if anyone chooses to get close to me, then I have to be honest and hope they can deal with it. But I am who I am.
So I present myself to the world, nervous as all hell but confident; this is who I am, now show me who you are.
